Most of you don’t know all the things I’m dealing with on a daily basis.
How life has beat me up, how Kyle has single-handedly destroyed me and how Ryan has watched. How I fight every day, through Kyle’s severe persecution and attacks just to be able to get a blog post out to you or create a printable (in fact, I’m writing this very blog post after Kyle has gone to sleep for the night, in secret).
You see the finished product and you may be tempted to think it comes easy, effortlessly.
The truth is that I die daily.
Everything I once had is destroyed. He’s crushed my income to the point of it being fumes. My blog income no longer even supports me financially and I’ve had to seek out other ways of making money in order to survive, ways in which he can’t so easily crush (things like reselling offline).
Working two jobs and still not being able to financially support my family is defeating. I’ve worked SO hard to get to where I am, to see it all go away in such a short period of time is disheartening. I’m struggling to keep my head above water.
At the time that I’m writing this, I’m three months behind on my mortgage payments. It makes me feel ashamed. I’ve had to delete all current income off my blog in order to keep my conscience. He’s deleted people off my newsletter, attacked my previous ads company, goes in and deletes new money-making strategies that I set up. He’s taken away my church, my protection, and threatens my home and livelihood, all while he goes on pretending, deceiving himself and others, thinking that he is blameless and innocent. He is not, I assure you.
As a single mom and an orphan, I don’t HAVE anyone else to rely on. No one is there to save me, lend me a helping hand.
I tell you the truth, my homeless story feels a lot like CAKE compared to the last 8 years of my life in this trial with Kyle.
Every day I die.
But there’s one thing he can’t take from me- my love for God.
I don’t know why God is allowing all this to continue on for so long. Most people believe I’m some crazy person and I’m just making it all up (to see the full story played out, click here). A few believe, mostly those who have seen.
And yet I fight!
I fight to purify myself in order that when the truth DOES finally come out (whenever that shall be) I be purified to lead, to comfort others going through similar situations of oppression and abuse.
I fight because it’s the right thing to do.
I fight because God wants me to.
I fight because I know that one day I’ll get it all back. That God will set things FAIR. All that I lost and more will be mine again.
I fight for you- who else is there to lead? Most people (even Christians) are running away from the gospel right now or being quiet.
I fight to be pure.
I fight for my family- that my kids never see me give up and throw in the towel. The fire inside me for God, and only because of God, burns bright.
I fight for the sake of His name. If I give up, God loses all His glory that He will eventually get in His perfect timing, although unbeknownst to me.
I fight to present you better in your Christian walk than before you met me.
Every day I die to myself, and suffer MASSIVE persecution and oppression for God’s name BY BELIEVERS!
I die to myself for God’s glory and I fight for Him because He alone gives me the strength and courage to do so.
I search for a man, a future husband, who will fight WITH me. Who will make a pact together with me to fight. To drive out those who are in sin within Heritage Bible Church (Boise, ID), as well as Kyle and Ryan, and to publicly display that he is a worshipper of God Almighty, like me.
I do not know if this man will fight with me.
I cannot know the future. One can only hope.
Hope that I’m not alone in my endeavor to fight for Christ at ANY cost (and I prove I am willing to, daily). Hope that God will give us power and strength to defeat the enemy who presses us in at every side.
I will be honest, I don’t know many who fight. Many have left already, unwilling to fight for God and it saddens me.
Thank you to Jacqui and Richie, two amazing women who are tired as I am, but who fight every day alongside me. If it weren’t for them, I would be all alone in my fight.
And for everyone else, wherever you are, I urge you to stand up and fight with me.
This is God’s will for us, that we be renewed in Spirit and never shrink back from displaying His grace and mercy to the world (Hebrews 10:39, 2 Timothy 1:7). Fight for God, wherever you are.
To the third man involved in all this, I say this:
Stand up and display publicly the fight for God that you have inside of you. Drive those out of God’s house that seek to destroy it, so that you may have with you- a good conscience. Speak the truth that we may know you by your fruit. You have been chosen as a witness of God to testify that they have assaulted me continually. Lay all hindrances aside and do what is right, that you may be preserved from dread and not be accursed like Kyle and Ryan are because of the affliction in which they inflict me with.
If it were not for God, Kyle would have already crushed me completely. I would lose my house, though hanging on a thread, this blog would die, I would lose everything and be homeless again and he would have gotten away with it too. But God is on my side and He is good.
God protects those who are being abused. He is the helper of the fatherless, the orphan, the widow, the rejected. It is ONLY because of God Himself, I survive this massive oppression.
I am innocent and my God spares me of total destruction…
Job 4:7 (NASB) – “Remember now, who ever perished being innocent? Or where were the upright destroyed?’
These are the words of the Lord.
