I know that a lot of this story (you can find more of it here) will sound really crazy, some people have said that I belong in a mental institution. Others call me bad names. They mock, they laugh, and all the while the leaders at my previous church continue their reign of ungodly, open sin. The ones who SHOULD BE listening, aren’t. But God will not be mocked and you are blessed if you believe BEFORE it is proven.
Through out history, many people were mocked for standing up to do what’s right. David. Abraham. Noah. Esther. Nehemiah. John the Baptist. Paul.
There are many stories where the underdog WINS. Why?
Is it because they are cunning and crafty, so full of wisdom? Maybe it’s because they are strong. Perhaps they have great power and can destroy those around them on their own?
Nope. It’s not. David was a young boy. He was not strong, had no power, was not cunning and crafty.
Yet God chose to make him KING.
When no one else would stand up, David did. A young kid. He had enough trust in the Lord. He knew it was the Lord’s battle, not his own and that the Lord was with them. All the things I know today.
I have tried and tried and TRIED to tell the church of their sin. Leadership (Pastor Jim) has raised his voice at me and yelled at me on two separate occasions. I told him I had a witness to all this and it could have been solved 6 years ago. He refused to question the witness, stating that he “probably wasn’t saved, so why should we listen to him?!” Whether the witness is saved or unsaved is not my business. What IS my business is that people know the truth and they refuse to listen.
It’s not my intention to change their minds. Not now honestly. They are so hard-hearted and most of the leaders in that church are wolves in sheep’s clothing anyway. It wouldn’t do any good.
And that’s where the problem starts, but before I get into that, I want to state very clearly WHY I AM writing this letter (other than the fact God has chosen me to be like David, Nehemiah, Esther and other advocates for Him in human history and to confront open sin, publicly, both to the church, but also to Kyle).
You see, I have loved ones, cherished people within that church who don’t have a clue what’s going on. Leadership has been so great at HIDING things from them, hiding the truth, covering over everything, and side-stepping to different people. I watched as my previous Pastor and elder (Scott) lied to Kyle’s parents and then told ME something different. I saw how they abused and manipulated the situation.
You know, Jim told me one time that if my ex-husband was any closer, he would go over to his house and shoot him with a gun when my ex-husband left me. I thought he was kidding. But in front of Scott and everything, he wasn’t kidding.
Why? Because they told me to take my ex-husband back in the first place. They said he changed, it’s okay, reconcile. I told them straight out that I didn’t think he really changed. It was just an act. A song and dance, but I submitted to their authority. I didn’t see it as sin, taking your ex-husband back, and maybe God WOULD change him. Come to find out, he didn’t change and they ended up looking like a fool. They were angry about that.
There have been and are many things the church leadership is doing that are absolutely unacceptable. It makes me realize that it’s much more important how we FINISH the race, than how we begin. I DO believe Jim is saved, but listening to wolves and hardening his heart all these years has led to this. A massive coverup of sins over the years and a people too afraid to speak up.
The church is OPPRESSING God’s holy people. God has heard the cry of those whom He loves. Those private prayers of the oppressed and He is here, in our midst, answering those prayers.
God purposely chose me to be older than Kyle in order that it would expose the church’s sin. Then God gave me a blog, probably some in part in order to bring all this TO the world on a much larger scale.
Why?
God wants to be known.
He loves you. He cares for you. And every prayer that you’ve spoken, every secret thing in your heart He knows.
That is my intention for writing this. There will be much to uncover and much to say. I pray that all that WERE and have been oppressed come forward and bring your claims against church leadership. Church leadership will not stand, I promise. God is here and He’s ANGRY, not at you, but at them!!! Judgement is coming. A very public judgement and whatever it is that He will do to vindicate me and others who have suffered at their hands will be massively huge. Whatever it is that He will do.
This brings me to a very big problem I find myself in. The church has NOT followed the steps in Matthew 18 and they have kicked me out of the church in a completely ungodly way.
I asked to leave the church, BEFORE they kicked me out, and they REFUSED to let me leave. They said that it’s their policy to not allow a church member to withdraw their membership from the church while in church discipline. But I was not lying and so there was absolutely no reason to HAVE ME in church discipline in the first place!
They kicked me out without telling it to the church in order that the church would come after the “sinner” as according to Matthew 18. But I WASN’T sinning. They asked me to lie and I refused.
None of my friends (whom I walked with for 5 years) took one second, except one, to make amends with me. No one else came after me. No one tried to help me. And yet, even in their sin of participating in this twisted Matthew 18 protocol, God wants to forgive the church and so do I.
I walked with them for 5 years. Day in and day out, they were a massive part of my life and I in theirs. I was very active in the church and served as much as humanly possible. Constantly asking to serve more and more and constantly being told no.
After being so wrong about so many things (they told me to take my ex-husband back who just left again and they told me to not start a blog), I told them, what if you’re wrong about me and Kyle too? Jim refused. Stubborn and ill-hearted, he refused to listen.
Six years later, Kyle and I are engaged. I do not know if he will admit it to the world yet (he’s not said yes OR no at this time), but I do know that whether or not he does, at this time, we ARE engaged and the truth of God’s purpose and His will, WILL come out. The truth will come out no matter what. We cannot prevent it. We cannot hide it. God intends to vindicate me and speak the truth.
But first things first, God is such a loving, fair, and generous God. He doesn’t go around blasting people or making people suffer. He loves us, and at the same time, when His children are in unrepentant sin and they refuse to turn from their sin, as a loving Father, He must go after the one in sin and fix the problem, like a lost lamb.
The problem in our city is that there’s not really a good church to worship at here. I’ve been looking for an alternative church for many years. Much research has gone in to it and the closest one I find is completely lackadaisical and seemingly “dead at heart”. There is no passion for Christ and it’s hard to go to a church where there is no passion because it drains OUR passion for the Lord. Lifelessness is contagious.
I did just get word of another possibility about a month ago and am researching it currently, but many people in our town don’t have a godly place to attend. They USED TO BE able to go to my previous church, but not anymore.
I remember one time a new visitor to my previous church had come and she was crying after service as I was speaking to her. It was around 12:10 pm and leaders wanted to close up the church, but she was crying. I overheard one elder say to another, “Shouldn’t we give them time to talk?” as he was closing up the curtains to do as the other had requested of him and making it very obvious he wanted us to leave.
He said, “They can go outside if they want to continue to talk.”
I could NOT BELIEVE MY EARS. And I couldn’t confront it at the time b/c I was sitting there with her as she was crying and I needed to be with her.
I mean, can you imagine, you’re crying and people in a CHURCH don’t care?! I mean, isn’t that what you go to church for anyway?! Aren’t we called to serve the broken hearted. Those leaders couldn’t wait 10 minutes? They couldn’t sacrifice their precious time for another? What kind of unloving, ungodly church would do this horrible thing?
There are many stories like this unfortunately and it breaks my heart.
I talk to people all the time and they say the same thing: I can’t find a good church to attend here so I go to….fill in the blank. There are so many starving and hurting people in our area that desire desperately to attend a godly church and there doesn’t really seem to be any.
It wasn’t always that way.
My previous church used to be a good church from what I’ve seen. But sometime in the time before my situation with Kyle, they were doing secret, evil things and God was not going to let it slide.
Over the years, the church has become very abusive toward their people.
To the point that they are just outright oppressing them and hold no regard for their own actions. They constantly dismiss hurting and broken people. People who need help. They are dismissive and refuse to help, both in their time and financial need, all the while stating that they do financially help their own. And they do. I give them that. The church paid for my divorce a decade ago (before I started blogging or really having the income to pay for it myself). It was quite a pretty penny and they paid my lawyer for it and I DO credit that to them. Over the years, before I left the church/was kicked out, I was paying that money back while still in poverty at the time. Not out of necessity, because it was a gift and they made it clear it was a gift, but because my heart wanted to.
They do help (sometimes) their members. They have a benevolence fund. They have also helped another single lady who was struggling financially and a member of the church, so I give them that. But the ratio of their helping is soooo low. And I understand that as a church we can’t help everyone. As a blogger, I can’t help everyone either, I’m only one person. But if we see a need, we should be crying out to God to give us what we need in order that we DO help others.
It’s all about the heart attitude and their heart attitude is sinful. We must be about our Father’s business and serving others for Him!
But even after them having been told about some of their very public, very open sin they display, they do not ever change the problem. They continue to try to oppress even me when I’m not even a part of that church!
Some people have left the church, others were kicked out, but the biggest problem remains for the people still in attendance there. They have no where else to go. If we don’t go to church, we are in sin for forsaking the fellowship of believers, but how can we go somewhere that will make us WORSE in our faith and so they feel they must endure this oppression in order to not sin. And this gives leadership the power to take advantage of its people.
Those people still within the walls of my previous church, many have been crying out to God privately. Asking God to help them. Asking God to step in and fix this.
God HAS heard the cry of the people and He ordained me and Kyle to start a relationship, fully knowing that Kyle and I are not the same age. There’s an age difference there. God KNEW this. He chose it. And He chose it knowing that some people in the church would have a problem with it. They are legalistic. Putting rules and regulations on us, in order to control us. Rules that are man-made, unScriptural rules.
I remember sitting down with Pastor Jim and asking him right at the beginning of all this if dating a man younger than me was a problem. He said, “You are free to date anyone from 18-99. It is not sin.”
Awesome. Because I felt like God wanted me to have a romantic relationship with Kyle.
Later on, it became a huge problem. Several people were involved and there was much legalism. The church and his parents started saying it wasn’t right. The church threatened Kyle that if he dated me, he’d not be able to be a work as an assistant in youth ministry anymore. They said, “Not because it’s wrong, but because we don’t want others doing it. It doesn’t look good.”
Suddenly, something that WAS NOT (and IS NOT) sin, became sin in their minds and so they persuaded us, oppressed us, and sinned in order for us not to be together, as God had intended us to be together all along.
They have tried to persuade me to not obey God many times. They told me not to blog. They said I was being foolish. Imagine my life if I listened to them! Imagine if I had of not ever blogged. Satan would have won because I promise you that God uses my life every single DAY on this blog to reach the hearts of His people!
And God has ordained me to stand to the church as His ordained advocate and tell them of their sins but they refuse to listen when presented with facts.
They go on oppressing the church members and kicking those out and making them leave anyone who would so much as threaten their tyrannical authority.
Now, please understand that under normal circumstances, we, as the lay people of a church are to submit to church leadership. Let me be very clear. HOWEVER, we, are NEVER to submit to sin.
The church is in sin. They have BEEN in sin. They will not STOP their sin.
It is my every intention to share this entire message with the church in order that they may REPENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen, I seek no revenge for all that bad stuff they’ve done to me. My goal is to obey the Lord as He’s asked me to write this and to help those at HBC to repent, whomever He wills to repent.
I’ve been called bad names by some (they think I’ve been seeking Kyle out) but none of it is true.
Here’s why…
After my ex-husband left I swore off men forever.
Did you get that?
I said I never wanted to be married again!
I wanted to set apart my life for the service and ministry of God. I promised God and I told others. I will be single the rest of my life in order that I’m able to serve God MORE unhindered (I Corinthians 7:8-9). Being married isn’t wrong at ALL. But by being single, I wouldn’t be attached to the world as much (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) and while singleness is a rare gift and not for most people, that IS what *I* wanted.
However, God had other plans and made it very clear from the get-go that Kyle was the one for me. I never wanted to be married again. And I was never chasing a man, Kyle was chasing ME. That can be proven when asking his brothers. They were there the day we met. One of his brothers has caught us online together talking. They know. There’s so much proof it’s not even funny, yet leadership still refuses to repent and admit they were wrong.
They maintain they have tried very hard to seek out the truth and while they have put forth SOME effort, they were predisposed with the notion that I was lying from the start and was hard-hearted toward seeing the truth.
Is that entirely their fault?
No. And here’s where it gets dicey.
But first, I pray that you bear with me as I open up, even deeper about this subject because, it is INCREDIBLY painful for me. In fact, just knowing what I have to say, what God is commanding me to say, makes me cry. I pray He give me the strength and the power to continue, in telling you this very painful, heart-breaking story that I have lived for so long. Please bear with me.
Kyle’s family moved from another state to this one when he was 5. Idk when he started going to this church in particular (at what age), I’ve never asked him and it’s not important. What IS important is that it is very obvious that he grew up in the church.
All these people KNOW Kyle for over a decade. And Kyle’s reputation is GOOD.
Of course, he IS a good and godly man. I would not have been interested in someone who was not of the BEST character. There would have been no one who could catch my eye at all, because I wanted to remain single, UNLESS he was something TRULY extraordinary…and Kyle was.
He is kind, gentle, polite. He’s incredibly smart (intellectual and street smart, a rare combination). He is all those things and more and the church holds him in high regard, as they should.
But even a man who is of great character and has maintained that all his life from an early upbringing to now (him being 24 years old now at the time I’m writing this), is STILL not perfect. As NO ONE is perfect. We proved that earlier with Jim, a PASTOR!
We understand that no one is perfect. The Bible tells us no one is perfect. We are all sinners.
But Kyle saying that he’s NOT lying and maintaining that for many years, seems pretty legit to the people around him. His church. His family and I get that.
Why should the church believe ME? They only knew me 5 years and they’ve known him over a decade, almost all his life basically if they knew him since he was 5. So if they are having to choose between us, me or Kyle and who is lying and who is not, I can completely sympathize with them and understand WHY they chose to believe him and not me when all this came out. I get it. I understand.
But the truth is, Kyle IS lying. He HAS lied, and not ONLY lied…he’s sinned in very major other ways as well.
Years ago, Kyle told me that it is HIS belief that I can have any man I want. He believes that any single man that I meet likes me and wants to be with me. I have no CLUE if this is actually reality (I tend to think it’s not) or just something he believes but is not true, honestly. I do not know. But I DO know that for him, he says that I am far better than him. He compares his life with mine and feels like he’s not enough and I try over the years to tell him that he is because he is the one God ordained for me.
Everything I do, he’s on all my stuff- my TV, my phone so he sees all activity even of my security system that I have for protection as a blogger for my home, he’s on my computers, and all electronic devices so he sees even as I type this, he is there, refreshing my computer, making it very known to me he’s there when he’s there on my stuff (he doesn’t get on the kids stuff, only mine, but I don’t allow them to take electronics in their bedrooms or any private area anyway).
There was a point several years back where I took my computer in to a local technician to have Kyle removed off of it (I’ll get into why later) and to clean everything up. I walked into that place and said, “Look, someone is on my computer and he has the power to turn ON my computer in the middle of the night when I’m sleeping and download more stuff to give him more access .”
The guy thought I was a whackadoo. He said, very plainly, that it’s not possible. I didn’t argue; I don’t really live my life in a way to argue, I simply assured him to check.
After he was done assessing my computer, he found that what I was saying was indeed TRUE! He found what Kyle was doing and removed it. Problem is, Kyle saw everything he was doing to find him and within a day or so, got right back on in another way.
Then I noticed Kyle was able to watch TV with me on my TV too. I happened across how he was getting into that, through my computer as well. So the skill level we are talking about here is pretty significant.
But even after all this, even after he literally sees/hears just about everything I do in my life, he STILL comes to that conclusion that I am better than him and I can’t change his mind for anything. I’ve tried. Why? Because it’s MY belief we are equals. One is not better than the other. While I may be better at different things, such as blogging or standing for God when it’s necessary, he is better at other things (parenting/teaching, patience, to name a few).
Each person has different things they are good at. You and your spouse are better and worse at some things too. Every relationship is and so we help each other. Make each other better. He helps me with teaching and parenting, telling me what to do when my kids misbehave and I share with him blogging and success tips for example. He loves learning Illustrator and wants to make printables. Point is that each of us teach the other in order for us both to become more godly, better people.
But in him STILL believing I’m just this amazing person (he puts me on a pedestal, clearly), it wrecks his ability to do what’s right. He thinks he can’t come forward to tell the truth because he will “never get the girl”. “She’s too good for me” type of thing, which makes it all the worse.
And in feeling like he’s not good enough, and he can’t REALLY get the girl, he sabotages E-VER-Y-THING!!!!!!!
Early on, he got some bad advice, which told him to basically play the field. Ugh.
So not only is Kyle lying, but he’s also committed adultery in his heart.
This is extremely painful to ME as a woman.
Think about it. I’ve ALREADY been cheated on many times with my ex-husband. Kyle knew that the day we met. He’s told me he’d never hurt me like that. He and I enter into a courting relationship many years ago and God betroths us (at what point we were betrothed by God, I do not know).
And YET, the whole entire time WE are courting, he is trying to find someone else ALSO.
He is telling me he loves me, sending me messages, stopping and preventing my other relationships (friendships) with other men completely and putting me in a box to ONLY love HIM (although I have been 100% faithful not because of his power over me but because I am a faithful person), oppressing me, not letting me have my freedom and doing all he can to thwart everything, all the while, HE is fully cheating on ME. And I don’t mean that in a physical sense. He’s been faithful in the physical sense of things, being a godly man, but in his heart, he has been trying to pursue other women. This entire time. And that’s NOT okay.
He’s been playing me, and he’s been playing the church. Plain and simple. Telling me one thing, telling them another, and telling other girls another. Pretending to be something he’s not. I think that, at this point, after having come to find out about all this, my question to God is WHY.
Why put me with someone who’s lying publicly for so many years, is a coward because he doesn’t stand for what’s right, AND…he’s committing adultery in his heart?
Listen, I don’t have an answer for that. I know that I want to do God’s will and God wants me with him. I know that at the same time, God gives me a CHOICE to either be with Kyle or not (free will) and that is something that I AM considering right now. I want to please God but, I have concerns being with Kyle.
- Should I be with him?
- Has too much damage been done?
- What will glorify God more?
- How do I want my life to be like in the future?
- Can I trust him that he’s stopped now (that he’s truly repented and stopped pursuing other girls the day we became engaged).
God wants us to be engaged and together, before God, we’ve made that commitment to each other, just like we have made that commitment to each other when we began courting. So while we ARE engaged now (both officially and because God betrothed us), I DO fully admit, I still have a few concerns.
Will he be faithful to me? Have I REALLY and genuinely forgiven him for all he’s put me through:
- Put me in a box so I couldn’t leave the situation and am controlled by him constantly because of technology
- Messes up things on my computer to get revenge on me when he’s angry as a pattern of his life
- Played both sides of the story while we were courting
- Only obeys half way to avoid punishment and has not obeyed 100% FULLY (example: on his Facebook profile, even after we are engaged, it still says “single”. I don’t think he’s publicly admitted things to anyone, but I can’t be sure)
- Causes a lot of people to sin because of his lies (example: the church)
- Constantly disobeys God and runs from His will, seeking out to be with other women all the while saying he loves ME and I’m the only one for him in order to keep all his options open and have a plan b backup plan.
- Doesn’t want to obey God and serve others. Wants to be selfish and live this life for himself and pursue his own selfish ambitions (example: his going to college when that was never God’s intention for him)
- Purposely deceiving the church, his parents, friends, the police, and me to think he’s better than he is
Making me suffer daily and wait for him to tell the truth is NOT God’s love, so while he DOES love me, he does NOT love me with God’s love, which is what I require.
I will not marry him until he’s taken care of these things. He wants to be married EXTREMELY fast and I want more of a long engagement because I want to make SURE he’s REALLLLLY changed and for him to have time to make everything RIGHT!!!
So why have I stayed with him, through all this? Any other girl would have left him in the first few months of all these stunts he’s pulling.
First, I DO love him with God’s love. God put His love for Kyle inside of me VERY early on into our friendship.
Secondly, because God wanted me to stay.
That’s the end of the story! GOD WANTED ME TO STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I choose to suffer abuse, oppression, misalignment of my character, anything for Christ? Why?
Because as a Christian, I count the cost of following Jesus. I know that if I suffer for righteousness sake, which I have now for 6 years, God WILL reward me. I suffered for God when my ex-husband asked me to give up God or he’d leave that last time. I said I wouldn’t give up God for him or anyone else and the next day, he left us.
I’ve BEEN suffering for God for many years. And WHILE, excruciatingly painful, I do it because God wants me to. This is what He’s called me to do. He has a purpose and a plan for all of this and my suffering daily is not in vain. God is a GOOD God. He loves us. He wants the best for us and while I do not know the EXACT purpose of my suffering, I will freely admit, I know there IS ONE. Because God is good. Romans 8:28-29, Jeremiah 29:11, and Romans 5:5 tell us that.
God has a plan. He has a purpose in all this, and prayerfully, He will show us all what that is. I look forward to knowing, but even if I don’t, I have obeyed the Lord my God, my King.
So, I can understand why the church doesn’t believe me. Why they think HE’S telling the truth. And I await for GOD to show the world, that I am not, and HAVE NOT LIED.
The problem is sin. It must be taken care of by our great and glorious Lord. He’s not going to just sweep all this under the rug. He comes with a vengeance to display His power and majesty.
That massive judgement IS coming because of Kyle’s and the church’s sin to many, many people.
And to all my friends there in the church, that left me high and dry and forgot about me in order to keep the peace or for whatever other reason they had, God wants to forgive them. BUT, they MUST repent, admitting what they did was wrong and turning from their sins. God DESIRES to save them out of their sin.
Dirk, Josh, Matthew, Sam, Eric, Katie, McKayla, Jenefer, Jill, Jane C., Deana, Laray, Jeff, Rebecca, Anita, Leah, Shelly, Vicki, Ivan, Allene, Jennifer, Connie, Jodi, I call you out especially as you are godly. Please listen to this.
If you do not believe what I’m saying, ask God to prove it to you. Ask Him to show you that I’m telling the truth in order that you repent (those that need to; some may not need to- that is between them and God) and are sparred the coming judgement to those that do not.
There are many, many wolves in the church. People you think are okay are not. God sees all and will judge according to the unseen thoughts of man.
This is a long drawn out saga, all meant to be a redemption story.
1/3 of the church WILL repent, 2/3 of the church will not unfortunately. The 2/3 who refuse to repent will be punished and scattered. Jesus is here to claim BACK His bride and He is GOING to cleanse His church. Nothing will stop Him from doing this. There is no power as great as His!!!
Satan doesn’t want me and Kyle to be together because he knows that we are a major force to reckon with, but he lost the battle the day Kyle and I became engaged. I am ordained by God Himself to confront the church of their sin (although I have confronted some of it before and they would not heed my words), there is far much more in which they sin so openly about. He has chosen me to head this vitally important task, to be used as a vessel, a human instrument for God’s glory in cleansing the church.
Once the church is cleansed, the city will have a church to attend and it will be a glorious thing!
This situation, while it may look like on the outside that it’s all about me and Kyle, it’s far from the truth. The REAL issue is the church and their open sin, which was going on long before Kyle and I even met! Even more so, it’s God’s lovingkindness to His people who are being abused.
There’s still a lot more to unfold in this story of redemption but it is really great to see the hand of God displayed so mightily in the lives of His people.
Here’s the point of all this…
If you attend my previous church and are reading this, repent.
God WILL come. He WILL cleanse the church and you don’t want to be on the wrong side of His anger for the outpouring of the church’s sin. If you have any doubts of anything I’m saying, ask it of God to show you that I’m telling the truth. I guarantee you, God is going to show the world the truth and not just about me and Kyle, but about the church as well. Sin won’t be able to be hidden forever and those who are in power, the leaders in the church who are abusing the people, God will not remain silent and just allow these things to happen. He will take action. He has heard the cry of His children and He will act on it. You will see it come to pass just as sure as my name is Sarah. God will avenge Himself. Jeremiah 5:20-29.
If you don’t attend the church and are reading this, PRAY for those that DO attend.
Although each and every one of them, even my closest of friends, have turned their backs on me and forsaken me when I have been completely and utterly innocent of all charges this entire time, I ask that you pray that they repent and turn from their sins. For their sin is so great that God would cause a very public display to get their attention before He disperses punishment for those that refuse to repent and turn from their sin.
No matter where you’re at in all this, please pray! God’s cleansing of His bride IS coming. I pray that as many as possible repent and are sparred the punishment those who do not repent will endure.
If you’re not sure WHO to believe in this story, it’s understandable! After all, there are always two sides to a story.
This is what I propose…
I make a public announcement of what I have already prayed in my heart before the Lord many times over, that if I am guilty and lying about all this, let me be ashamed and punished and if it is the church and Kyle who is guilty, let them be ashamed.
In this way, anyone who is still doubting, will very well know exactly who GOD deems to be guilty and not guilty. By HIS charge and HIS sovereign will, you will see His determination of this matter!
Let God judge between me and them.
If you have any questions or need me to clarify anything, I’m happy to answer your questions. Just lemme know in the comments below.