When it comes to sex, there’s a lot of debate over who should initiate it: the husband or the wife?
Some people believe that the husband should always be the one to make the move, while others think that it should be up to the wife.
So, who’s right?
Read on to find out, should the husband or wife initiate sex in marriage…
Should The Husband Or Wife Initiate Sex?
As with many things in life, there isn’t a one size fits all kind of answer.
Ultimately, it depends on your individual relationship and what works best for you both. Because either way is right. 🎉
What Does The Bible Say About Sex?
The Bible says that husbands and wives should come together again and not deprive one another. In other words, we are to actively pursue sexual intimacy with our spouse, rather than withholding it. This implies that both husband and wife have a responsibility to initiate sex.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5
Of course, there will be times when one person is more interested in sex than the other throughout your marriage. But even then, we are called to serve our spouse by meeting their needs. This may require some self-sacrifice on our part, but it is a small price to pay for the joy and satisfaction that comes from a healthy sexual relationship.
Sex within marriage is a gift from God, meant to be enjoyed between a husband and wife. When you pursue it with this attitude, you will find that it is one of the most intimate and fulfilling aspects of your marriage. It bonds you together and makes the relationship more deeper and meaningful.
Intimacy is one of the most important parts of being married. It is a way to physically and emotionally connect with your spouse on a regular basis as well as to help keep your spouse from being tempted by the enemy and the world.
Unfortunately, many couples get into the habit of withholding sex from each other for one reason or another. They may do this out of resentment, exhaustion, or simply because they are not on the same page sexually.
But if both spouses are making an effort to be physically intimate with each other, it will go a long way toward keeping the spark alive in their marriage. So, whatever you do, don’t let intimacy become a casualty of your busy lives. Make it a priority, and you’ll be glad you did.
So how many times should you be intimate with your spouse each week?
Honestly, this will be up to each individual couple and there’s no right or wrong answer here. Just so that you are actively pursuing being intimate to avoid the devil from getting into your marriage.
Some couples will be intimate every day (of which I’m a big fan personally). Others, every couple days or three times a week. If it’s just once a week, it’s most likely too little. Men need sex more than women and we want to meet his needs, out of the desire of our hearts to please him and to keep our marriage pure.
The flesh is very strong and we want to be helping our spouse not do things like commit adultery (either physically, in their minds, or with porn).
Why Sex Is Important For A Husband And Wife
Intimacy is an important part of any relationship, and sexual intimacy is no exception. For many couples, sex is a way to express their love and intimacy for one another. It is also a way to release tension and stress, and to feel close to one another.
In addition, sex can help to improve communication and increase trust between partners. For these reasons, sex is an important part of a healthy marriage.
However, it is also important to remember that sex does not have to be the only form of intimacy in a relationship and shouldn’t be. There are many other ways to express love and affection, and no one should feel pressured to engage in sexual activity if they are not comfortable with it.
The main thing is that you are showing your husband he is wanted, and that comes from physical intimacy, but it’s also much more.
To men, they desire to be RESPECTED. How can you respect your husband? That is something that will go a LONG way in showing him that you love and care for him.
Always wanting to be around him. Spending time with him. Men read that as desire also. So it’s not JUST about sex to the man, but a few different things to make him know he’s wanted and desired.
Men are super good at reading their wives and people around them. They know when you don’t want them. They know when you’re faking. It’s best to be honest and work through any issues to prevent your not wanting them or having a desire for them. God gave us husbands to be ours and to have and to hold.
It’s not a chore, but something we should genuinely desire and want also, to be close to them in every way.
It’s for this reason, I don’t want my future husband to work outside the home after we are married. I want him to be with me always, I want to love on him, to serve him, to spend time with him as my best friend. I don’t want him to be pulled into many different directions and have two different lives (one at work and one at home). I want to provide for him a safe place to be, always. So I work EXTREMELY hard, here on this blog, to provide money so that one day, he won’t have to work outside the home and he can be with me all day.
That’s not to say he won’t work and earn income, because that IS the man’s job before Christ, but it is to say that it’s also MY job to help! And I want to. 🥰
That’s one example of making your spouse feel wanted and desired. You want to be with him, whether in physical intimacy or just hanging out spending time. We need to make them feel loved! ❤️
What If You Don’t Like Sex?
If you don’t like sex, it can be tough to talk about it with your spouse. You might feel like there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re not being satisfied in the relationship.
In this case, you will need to talk to your spouse about it. Talking is key.
The Bible DOES say we should be physically intimate with our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:5), however, there may be certain situations or seasons that come up that are beyond our control.
Perhaps there has been a traumatic past experience. Perhaps someone is disabled and unable to be physically intimate.
These things should be worked out and talked about so that you can enjoy God’s design for marriage at its fullness. Sometimes, it can’t be helped, like in a case of someone being disabled. That is okay. As long as you are trying to meet your spouse’s needs in every way that you can, as much as depends on you.
If there’s been a traumatic past experience, you and your husband should work together to help you overcome your anxiety about it. Maybe you only had bad experience with it and your husband is paying for it? That’s not really fair for him, is it? So it is worth really looking into and determining why you don’t like to be physically intimate, the root of the problem, in order to overcome it.
Sex can be a beautiful thing, within marriage, if you let it. It is an expression of love. It’s a way to physically and emotionally connect with your spouse on a regular basis. It’s God’s design for marriage.
I know that some people feel like sex is bad and wrong. It is NOT wrong or bad, IF it is within marriage. God designed it, it’s PEOPLE who make it bad.
The same goes for money. Is money evil or bad? No. It’s the LOVE of money that is evil and bad (1 Timothy 6:10). It’s humans who make it bad. It’s not the actual thing that’s bad. In the same way, sex is not bad. It’s a beautiful thing that God designed for marriage. Do not feel ashamed for having sex with your husband. It’s God’s design.
If something makes you uncomfortable, maybe a particular sexual act for example, don’t do that of course. Make it known to your husband that you don’t want to do that particular thing, but being physically intimate with your spouse is a good thing for both of you. 🙂
More questions answered
Here are some more questions to be answered about sex within marriage…
Is it okay to have sex while the wife is menstruating?
In Leviticus 15:19, Leviticus 15:24, it talks about this as well as in Leviticus 20:18. As a result of those Scriptures, some couples feel like it’s wrong to make love while she is menstruating, however, one thing we must understand is the intention of those verses.
They were written as Old Testament ceremonial law to maintain purity but no longer apply to us today.
Some women have very decreased sexual desire during menstruation, yet others, have INCREASED sexual desire during menstruation. It’s important to talk it over as a couple and decide together what you want to do.
What is a Christian married couple allowed to do in sex?
The Bible doesn’t mention any particular sexual acts that you should or cannot do within the bounds of marriage, so it is entirely up to the married couple, however, the Bible DOES give guidelines to sex…
- Our bodies are our temples (1 Corinthians 3:16-17). Would you desecrate a temple? No, right? So whatever would desecrate your temple wouldn’t be something you want to do. It should always be our desire to be holy.
- Sex is only for married couples (1 Corinthians 7:2)
- Sex is loving and unselfish (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)
- Sex is not to be withheld as a form or punishment or for any other reason except for a mutually agreed upon time to pray (1 Corinthians 7:5)
- Married couples should be physically intimate (Genesis 2:24)
- Pornography is clear sin and should never be created nor watched (1 John 2:16)
- Having sex with any other person than your married partner is sin. This includes threesomes, foursomes, swapping, swinging, etc., which is adultery (Hebrews 13:4; Colossians 3:5; Ephesians 5:3; 1 Corinthians 6:18; Titus 1:6)
- Sex should not be anything illegal (this rules out sleeping with your mother – 1 Corinthians 5:1 and anything illegal stated by the government (Romans 13:1) Things like sleeping with family members or polygamy, for example, is against the governmental law.
- Sensuality outside of marriage is sin (2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19)
- Sex or marriage between two people of the same gender is sin (Jude 7; Romans 1:26-28)
If a husband and wife both agree they want to try something new (oral sex, anal sex between a husband and wife, toys, different positions, etc.) this is okay under those guidelines so long as they BOTH agree beforehand.
Is sex within marriage just for procreation or can it be for pleasure?
While sex is definitely something used for procreation, Song of Solomon clearly shows that sex within marriage is for pleasure also.