My husband wants me to participate in sexual acts I’m uncomfortable in, what do I do?
First and foremost, you don’t have to do them.
I want to say that upfront because I want to relieve some pressure off your mind right away. Now, let’s get into the bulk of why you don’t have to. 🙂
My Husband Wants Me To Participate in Sexual Acts I’m Uncomfortable In
Maybe your husband is wanting you to do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing, maybe he’s even pressuring you.
I’ll be very honest to say that I’ve been through this myself.
My ex-husband kept asking me to swing (switch partners with another married couple) and asked me continually to do a threesome.
This is clearly sin and so I refused to do it.
Do not do anything you’re not comfortable with. You need to have a very open and direct conversation with your husband about all this. Tell him how you feel and what you’re willing to do and what you’re not, what is biblical and what is not.
If he is an unbeliever, you’ll want to explain to him that you cannot do anything that’s sinful because ultimately you answer to God for your decisions and choices in life (Acts 5:29).
So first things first, you need to decide what you’re willing to do and what you’re not, am I right?!
We need to know the things that are sin and the things that are okay, as well as what is up to us to do, according to the Bible, in order to make a good decision because we want to please our husbands, but we don’t want to violate our conscience either.
Fortunately, the Bible has some really great guidelines on what is okay and what is sin. 🙏
- Our bodies are our temples (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)
Would you desecrate a temple? No, right? So whatever would desecrate your temple (your body) wouldn’t be something you want to do. It should always be our desire to be holy.
Another thing I would say is that if you wouldn’t do the act in front of God, you shouldn’t do it. While God doesn’t sit there and watch us have sex, the Bible does state that He is always with us, never leaves and forsakes us (Joshua 1:5). So if He is there in the room with you and you guys are doing something perverse or something that would upset Him, don’t do it. It’s better to not do something than to give the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22-24).
There’s no right or wrong here, it’s totally up to both of your consciences but is something to bear in mind as you decide what’s right for you.
- Sex is only for married couples (1 Corinthians 7:2)
Physical intimacy outside of marriage is sin and not something a Christian should participate in. It is better to keep your distance and remain pure and holy while dating.
- Sex is loving and unselfish (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)
Sex is a part of marriage and marriage is loving and unselfish. It’s about putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own.
- Sex is not to be withheld as a form or punishment or for any other reason except for a mutually agreed upon time to pray (1 Corinthians 7:5)
Withholding sex from your marriage partner is wrong and should not be done unless you both agree, for the purpose of prayer (think: fasting and praying for something), and only for a very brief period of time. Put bluntly, the flesh is weak and you don’t want him or you to sin.
- Married couples should be physically intimate (Genesis 2:24)
God designed marriage to include sex and is not a wrong thing for couples to do to enjoy each other and connect to one another. Marriage is about two becoming one and that happens through intimacy.
- Pornography is clear sin and should never be created nor watched (1 John 2:16)
Perhaps your husband wants to create movies with you and him for your own enjoyment. This may not be sin, however, if the videos were to get out and be watched by anyone else (which is a very real possibility in our day and age with so many hackers), then it would become sin. Not only for them for watching it, but for you two for having created it. It’s something very real to be careful of.
Another thing that could happen is your husband asking you to watch porn with him. Since watching porn is sin, it’s not something you should do.
- Having sex with any other person than your married partner is sin (Hebrews 13:4; Colossians 3:5; Ephesians 5:3; 1 Corinthians 6:18; Titus 1:6)
The Bible forbids adultery. Swapping partners, having threesomes, foursomes, orgy parties, swinging, etc. is not acceptable to the Lord. Only a married couple should be having sex, privately in their own secret place where no one else can see or watch.
In our day and age, that means we must be extra careful. That camera on your computer might be monitored by someone else that you don’t realize they are there. A simple safety measure is to place a piece of paper/tape or masking tape over the camera. We do this in our home with all our electronic devices for safety.
If you don’t have cameras covered, it means not having sex in front of cameras, using common sense. I’d also go as far as to say that you should keep all phones, iPads, etc. out of the place in which you are being intimate with your husband. Because again, you never know who’s there. A phone or iPad, with certain apps, can be turned on even when you turn them off and be used as listening devices. Be smart.
- Sex should not be anything illegal
Good examples of this is a son not having sex with his mother (1 Corinthians 5:1).
Anything considered illegal by the government (things like: having sex with family members or polygamy, is against the law and as Christians we are to obey the law (Romans 13:1)
- Sensuality outside of marriage is sin (2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19)
Overtly flirting and being sensual with someone who is not your marriage partner is sin. This doesn’t mean you can’t flirt with a guy you’re interested in if you are single, but ladies, we know the difference in behavior between lightly flirting and all out sluttiness, and so do they.
Enticing a man to have sex or want sex is not something you should be doing. Obviously, if you’re dating and you both agree to be a little sensual with each other is fine as long as you’re not having sex. There’s a line there and through prayer, your conscience will know it. The main point is that you want to be respectable to the guy, not making him want it so bad and frustrating him, whether married or not.
Many women in our day and age, in an attempt to seek attention, are incredibly sensual with men and this is shameful behavior. Not something befitting of a godly woman.
I also want to point out that if you are married, you should not flirt or be sensual with any other man except for your husband.
- Sex or marriage between two people of the same gender is sin (Jude 7; Romans 1:26-28)
If a husband and wife both agree they want to try something new (oral sex, anal sex between a husband and wife, toys, different positions, etc.) this is okay under those guidelines so long as they BOTH agree beforehand.
With all of these amazing and helpful guidelines in the Bible, you are therefore able to determine what you want to do, as according to the Bible, and what you shouldn’t do because it’s sin.
If something is not sin, according to the Bible, then it’s something you can decide for yourself what you want to do. Your husband should be loving and understanding to you if you don’t want to do something.
For example, maybe he wants to have anal sex but you don’t feel comfortable with it. If he loves you and cares about you like he should, then he will not force or pressure you to do these things you don’t want to do.
However, I say that you should try to be open to things and not shut off EVERYTHING he says either. Maybe he wants to do something that you are not sure about. Pray about it and take some time to really determine what you want.
We have the responsibility to please our mates, all the while, living up to God’s standards. We shouldn’t do anything we are not comfortable with (that would harm the trust and intimacy levels in the relationship), but at the same time, don’t take that as a license to never do ANYTHING and he is unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Our hearts want to please him and sometimes that may mean sacrificing.
It’s a tough balance, to be sure, and it’s only something that YOU and your husband can decide together what is right for you in those areas that are not sin.
If you do not want to do something and you are sure you don’t want to do it, then do not do it. But just work with your husband, for the glory of God, and decide together.
Maybe you can try something once and if you don’t like it, don’t do it again. That’s okay too. Just be open and understanding and decide for yourself, in your own conscience, what you want to do and what you don’t in the areas that are not sin.