When I was growing up, my mom used to say, “You’d argue with a fence post”. She was saying that I would argue with everything no matter what. I was really good at debate and could argue up and down and all around, using winning the debate. Just very clever and thinking outside the box to win against my opponent.
It was just something I always did and so when I got married, we did the same thing. We’d argue a lot. It was just what we did. It was “normal”.
But after I gave my life to Christ, and I started learning how to be a good wife to an unbeliever, my Pastor’s wife was saying how arguing all the time is sin because we want to live in peace.
My first response was, “Well, do I just become a door mat then? Let him walk all over me? Never express myself? Never say how I feel, just become a “yes” person. Saying, ‘Yes, dear’ to absolutely everything?”
I was initially offended, I have to admit.
This isn’t the case at all. You do NOT and SHOULD NOT become a door mat. To anyone.
My Husband and I are Constantly Arguing. What Can I Do to Keep the Peace?
Just because you don’t argue with someone doesn’t mean that you give up all your rights. That’s the first point I want to make today. I want to be extremely practical when it comes to dealing with relationships because I know how difficult it can be.
I was able to take my relationship with my ex-husband (keep in mind, he ended up abandoning us and having a few physical affairs, through no fault of my own) from fighting all the time, to a more peaceful relationship. One where I refused to fight.
It was difficult because he WANTED to fight. Here I was learning about how NOT to fight and he saw the changes in me that I was no longer fighting him and so he’d bait me to fight. He’d try to get under my skin purposely to rile me up.
One day I asked him why he did that and his response was that, “It was fun.”
I get it. Fighting can be fun to someone with ill-intentions. And him hating me and my Christianity didn’t help. Anything he could do to try to get me to sin was what he would do.
It was horrible, living with a new-found Christian faith and still living in an ungodly marriage with an unredeemed person. He didn’t understand why I loved God, why I wanted to obey Him, why I wanted to be a better person all the sudden.
It caused a lot of strife in our marriage. Tears. My becoming Christian was the hardest thing I did because no one in my family was saved. I was all alone trying to navigate something I didn’t really understand yet. I didn’t understand the Bible, God’s Word, God’s commands. I was still a baby in the faith (still…coming to Christ was THE best decision I ever made as well!) 💖
Trying my absolute best to change, for God, for our marriage, and constantly being baited to sin.
It was harder than hard, I tell you, but I also wouldn’t change it.
Looking back, it instilled in me a hunger to obey God MORE. It helped me. It was like God was chipping off the dirt around the diamond. Little by little, day by day, He was using my ex-husband’s sin to make ME a better person. Make ME able to stand more for Christ. Make ME more diligent in my walk with Christ. I became stronger in the Lord because of my ex-husband and so I can’t be mad at him for that. His sin helped me. God used it to make me a better person.
So with that as a backdrop, I can fully understand how you feel. You don’t want to argue. You’re sick and tired of the arguing, but how can you stop it. It seems a vicious cycle, right?!
Arguing IS a vicious cycle and YOU have to be the one to stop it. You can’t rely on someone else to change. We can’t MAKE other people change. All we can do is change ourselves.
You can only change yourself
As a wife, we are not responsible, nor called to change our husbands. It is not really even our business. I think about the Bible verse that says to take the log out of our own eyes. And that’s the thing.
I think that one thing helped me become a godly wife more than anything else I ever learned. I learned to take the log out of my own eye. I learned to stop looking at HIS faults (because I was terrible at that) and I learned to really concentrate and focus on my OWN sins. I had PLENTY (and still do) to deal with.
Once I started trying my best not to focus on HIS sins, our relationship changed. Things changed. *I* changed.
It wasn’t that he stopped sinning, he was still as bad as ever, worse even, but it was that I didn’t focus on those things. If he’d leave his dirty, gross sock on the living room floor, I’d pick them up and focus on how I could be a cleaner person. How could *I* be cleaner? So after I’d pick up the socks, I’d immediately start looking for messes *I* created and went and cleaned them up.
This really helped me focus on my own struggles and sins in life and leave his to God. He answers to God for his own sins and I answer to God for mine. It is not my place to try to change him. Should I encourage him to be his best? Absolutely! But for the person who is not a Christian, they might not WANT to be better and you have to be okay with that if you are like me and came to true saving faith after you were married.
It’s just how it is. You can’t change some things. We can’t control other people. All we can control is ourselves, so focus on us and how WE can improve and it’ll change your relationship right away!
Arguing is a choice
Arguing is a vicious cycle, as I mentioned earlier, and you have to be the one to change it. It’s a choice you have to make.
Are you going to argue? Are you going to let the devil into your relationship and damage it? OR are you going to strive for and seek peace?
Really, it’s up to you. You CHOSE to argue or you don’t.
It’s pretty cut and dry. We choose.
Make a conscience decision that you’re going to stop arguing with your spouse so much. Listen, if YOU become a person who refuses to argue, it’s REALLY hard for them to argue back.
Think about it.
If you are mad at your husband and you are arguing with him and yelling at him, and his response is genuinely loving (not baiting, mean, or vindictive, but a GENUINE whole-hearted love to you), if he is smiling and wanting to hold you and saying he’s sorry and just being a great guy in the moment, how can you argue with that?
How can you argue with a genuinely smiling, cheerful person?
👉 It is REALLY hard to argue with a happy person!
A person who isn’t getting mad or upset or retaliating. Not screaming or yelling or being bad. Just trying to listen to you, trying to love you, trying to be there for you and understand.
You can’t argue with a person like that and so YOUR job as a wife is to BE….THAT person!
Think about how you’d like HIM to react to YOU when YOU’RE arguing? What kinds of things would you like HIM to do in that situation and then, follow the golden rule. Treat others as you wanna be treated.
Whatever it is that you want HIM to do for you when you are upset, do for him. But again, it has to be 100% genuine.
This is your choice. You get to chose whether you are arguable or not. Whether you play into the game or not. You decide. Do you want to argue too? That’s the real question. If you don’t, then don’t argue.
It’ll take some practice, I give you that, and you won’t get it down right away. It IS tough. I know, I been through it. I totally get it. But it CAN be done, the more you practice at it.
Whenever I practiced at it, I got better. To the point where I am really good at not arguing. To me, arguing is stupid…
Arguing accomplishes nothing
What does arguing solve?
If you win, you feel good for a moment but it hurts your relationship!
If he wins, you are upset and mad that you “lost the war” and it hurts your relationship!
Either way, whoever wins, it hurts your relationship. And arguing a lot over time, can lead to divorce and at the very least, being super unhappy all the time in your marriage.
We don’t want that!
We want peace and harmony in our homes as much as depends on us.
When you realize that arguing is pointless, it’s completely absurd and it never truly accomplishes ANYTHING, no one ever REALLY wins in an argument, you BOTH end up losing because it harms the relationship and your peace, then what is the point of arguing?
Just to know that YOU are “RIGHT”????
Are you right?
If you ARE right and your husband thinks you are wrong, but you are so sure you are right, what does it matter anyway?
You can’t change someone else’s thinking. You can’t convince people that you’re right and they’re wrong. Not if they are dead set on it. You can’t beat a dead horse, the expression goes.
So you end up having two people who both think they are right.
What does GOD think?
Have you stopped to consider what GOD thinks of all this?
Listen, HE knows you’re right. So if your spouse doesn’t know you are right, what does it matter? GOD knows you’re telling the truth. GOD knows you’re right. You don’t need the whole world knowing you’re right. God knows and that’s enough.
I remember the situation with my previous church. They were wanting me to lie and threatening to kick me out of the church at the time because I refused to say that Kyle didn’t like me in a romantic way. I wasn’t going to lie! He did like me. He does like me.
I was able to go through all of that situation because I knew I was right. It didn’t MATTER if they thought I was right or wrong, *I* knew I was right. GOD knows I’m right. I AM right. Period. End of story. haha.
There’s no discussion, no arguing, and so I stopped trying to meet with them because I saw it was going no where. They wouldn’t listen and my job is to live in peace and not try to make someone believe something.
That’s fine. I know I’m right. God knows I’m right. Let the chips fall where they may but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m right.
Having your husband believe you or not believe you isn’t the issue. It’s what God thinks that matters the most.
That’s NOT to say become a door mat. Definitely not!
Tell him how you feel, in a respectful, calm way.
Tell him that you feel you’re right and why. But if he chooses to not believe you, there’s not anything you can do.
Go to God.
Take it to Christ and tell Him how you feel. Ask Him what to do about it. But don’t belabor the point. If your husband refuses to believe you, let it go. You answer to God, not him, and God knows you are right. That’s all you need to know!!
Is it a hill to die on?
This argument that you’re having with your husband, is it a hill to die on? Think about Christ, what He went through on the cross. He was willing to die for us. We are that important to Him!!! 💖
In every single conflict with your spouse, before you start arguing or getting upset or mad, ask yourself, “Is this a hill to die on?”
You will find that very RARELY it is a hill to die on. Would you actually DIE to prove this? Would you go down in death swinging and fighting for this point?
If you wouldn’t…don’t argue. It’s that simple!
We are to seek peace with everyone, including our husbands. So if it’s not something you’d die for, then, let it go.
If it IS something you’d die for, and there ARE those occasions where something IS a cause that you feel so strongly about, make it known to him, again, not arguing, but in a respectful way.
Kyle and I are really amazing in that we hardly EVER argue (it’s one of the things I really appreciate about him; he’s always so quick to listen and adapt and truly takes my feelings into high consideration. He listens to everything I say (and remembers it). He’s such a loving, doting best friend and I’m the same way with him. It’s truly a blessing to have a relationship like that, because I’ve never HAD that kind of relationship before where both people just respect and love each other and are kind and listen. It’s so amazing to be part of), however, I know that right now, Kyle has something on one of his social media accounts that is of another religion.
We are not of this other religion. We do not agree with their religion theology. This religion is not Biblical and him having it on his profile, even in an innocent way (simply liking it), is SIN. It’s wrong. It offends me GREATLY!
While there are many things I can and o let go, I absolutely just CANNOT let THIS point go.
Having something of a false religion that we “like” publicly is not glorifying to God. It’s not about ME at all. And I’ve asked him to remove it; years go by and he still refuses to remove it.
No problem. But I WILL NOT date him, I will not enter into a relationship with him, I will NOT connect our names together online publicly, UNTIL it’s removed.
Not for my own sake, but for God’s. You guys are watching. Other people are watching and I don’t want ANY mistake about what religion I AM. I am NOT Mormon. I don’t agree with Mormon. It doesn’t line up Biblically and I don’t want to be married (or in a relationship) with someone who is having a false religion thing on their stuff.
What is the big deal to remove it? I honestly don’t know. Maybe he thinks he will get caught if he removes it? No problem. But it’s a hill for me to die on and I refuse to enter into a relationship with him until it’s gone. Period.
It’s not a manipulation tactic. It’s not anything evil. I’m fighting FOR God. This is God’s glory and it must be made with the utmost respect. I am a public figure. I can’t have Satan get in there and use that against me, making people think I am a different religion when I am not. I can’t allow that to happen. It’s all for God’s glory, not my own you see.
This IS a hill to die on for me.
So when you come across a hill to die on, absolutely fight for it. In a respectful way. Don’t manipulate, don’t argue, but make it well known to him how you feel and where you stand.
At the same time you’re making your feelings known, you don’t want to become a nag; that would be sin too. So what is a practical way to ask him, but NOT nag him about this situation you’re willing to die for?
A good rule of thumb is to bring it to his attention once/month. Don’t bring it up daily or weekly. But absolutely, once a month, bring it up until it changes. You don’t HAVE to bring it up even that often.
In the situation with me and Kyle, this has been ongoing for a few years and I’ve brought it up maybe 6-9 times-ish. It’s not a monthly thing, but it is something that I WILL ABSOLUTELY continue to tell him. Again, it’s just something worth me dying for. What we individually do, is a reflection of the other person. If he does something bad, it looks bad on ME and if I do something bad, it looks bad on HIM.
For that reason, out of love, we should even more try to be the best people we can be, so as not to tarnish our spouse’s character!
But if you are dealing with something you feel super strongly about and it offends your conscience, be strong to do the right thing according to what God would have you do. Don’t compromise your integrity or your morals.
That doesn’t mean argue, but it does mean to let him know how you feel. You have to fight for what you believe in. You have to stand up for God. If your husband wants you to sin, for example, you cannot do that. You have to answer to God, you cannot sin. You cannot submit to sin. You cannot submit to your husband asking you to sin. Those things are hills to die on. Don’t sin for your husband. EVER.
So determine in your heart if it’s a hill to die on. If you are right, take it to the Lord, He knows you are right and be okay with only Him knowing you are right. Realize that arguing accomplishes nothing, don’t try to change him, and lately realize that arguing is a choice and you get to choose what you do. 😊