Purity in dating is SO much more than the “physical”. And it absolutely is possible when we look at dating through the lens of Christ, and not the world! But how do we do this??
Here a few tips to help you keep it pure when dating!
How To Keep It Pure When Dating
Sometimes when you think of purity, you think of “no sex until marriage.” While this is 100% true and a huge part of remaining pure before you decide to get married, it goes SO much deeper than that.
Purity isn’t just a physical thing.
Keep Your Mind Pure
You want to make sure that you help keep your mind pure as well, all the time but ESPECIALLY more so, during dating. It leads to temptation.
This includes what you read, listen to, and look at. That may mean changing up your bookshelf and ridding those romance novels (which I NEVER suggest you have in the first place!), not watching PG-13 or R-rated movies, or listening to music about sex (or things that make you desirous of physical intimacy).
For PG-13 movies, you want to really guard yourselves. Kyle and I, as friends, never watch R-rated movies. I never watch them myself anyway, but especially with him. As for PG-13, they can show a woman’s top half completely (!) or a couple in bed together and still be PG-13, so you need to be VERY careful even when watching PG-13.
What we do when watching ANY movie, because let’s be honest, sex is plastered EVERYWHERE (it’s super annoying!), is that if something comes on that he shouldn’t see in that regard, basically if it’s not G-rated family-friendly type of stuff, I’ll tell him it’s not safe. “Don’t look”, I’ll say and then when it’s over, I tell him it’s safe to look. This is really helpful to guard his eyes because even if you look away, you’re not sure when it’s safe to look again and continue watching the movie.
When we begin dating and he’s here in person, I would fully expect him to do the same for me when they are showing anything of the man (even just him not having a shirt) because we want to be super honorable and pure. It’s very important to us.
Whatever your personal boundaries are, talk about it and have a meaningful and deep conversation about it so that you can know what to expect.
The Bible tells us to guard our hearts and minds, not just our bodies. All of these are EQUALLY important, and especially when it comes to remaining pure in a romantic relationship.
This applies to the other person too! You want to treat them as a brother/sister in Christ and help them strive for purity as well.
Let’s look at some helpful tips to maintaining ALL forms of purity when dating…
Keep Christ At The Center
It’s important to talk about WHY we even date in the first place. The ultimate goal for dating is marriage.
Now please understand, Kyle and my view on dating will be different from a lot of people’s and that’s okay. Just be sure to talk about it thoroughly with your guy in order that you two remain pure.
For Kyle and I, we believe in courting. We want our relationship to not be “dating” but courting instead. I told him when I first met him that I wanted to be friends with a guy for 1 year FIRST, before dating because I wanted to really know that the person is saved (a lot of people fake Christianity) and I want to make sure it’s a relationship of God.
It’s not that it has to be 1 year exactly, but that it’s the jist of things. I wanted time to get to know a guy as a FRIEND first. Because when you date, you begin to do all those things like kissing or holding hands and I want those things to be ONLY to and with my future spouse. Not some random guy and I’m dating around.
When we begin dating, it’s like saying, “FOR SURE, I’m going to marry this woman”, or “FOR SURE, I’m going to marry him”.
Thus, building a friendship up super strong, for us, has been absolutely KEY to our relationship. The friendship part of our relationship IS the most important thing.
I love courting so much better because we are and have been free to be ourselves, with no pressure of dating. We chose to invest in our friendship first and foremost and that’s the best way to really find your soul mate, the person you want to be with forever. You will know him inside and out and he will know you inside and out and it’s that friendship, that deep connection that builds a bond so strong nothing can break it.
This is the time to figure out if the other person is the one who you want to marry and vice versa. When you have this all in place before you date, it allows you to work towards that purpose together. Then dating becomes more about establishing routines and seeking God first in your relationship, getting used to each other more in person, having fun together, doing fun things. Growing in the Lord together and getting ready to live together and be married.
Getting ready to live together is a huge thing. You need to discuss a lot of things like routines, habits, what is expected, who will do what, things like that so you can be prepared. It’s not something to take lightly and when you court, all of those things come out, you build a life-time lasting friendship, and it’s not all about, “Well, I like him because I’m attracted to him.” A lot of the physical stuff is out when you court. When you DO date, it’s about being somewhere in public at all times, never being alone, ever.
In our case, when we begin dating, we can always be around my kids. We’ll never be alone, never have an opportunity to go off and do bad things somewhere. It would just be us in public, at church, or functions, or us around my kids.
It can make things a little more difficult if you are not alone, such as those deep conversations, but honestly, if you courted before and were friends first, knowing you wanted to date, you’d have a lot of those conversations already done and talked through. And if you need to have them, you can always just go out to dinner in public or something.
Just constantly being accountable to other people and stuff like that, will keep you pure! 🙂
You are building a foundation for God through the relationship, and for the rest of your lives. Get to know each other on a spiritual level, become best friends and work hard on that!
Marriage isn’t about you, or even the other person. It’s all about Christ and His desire and will for us. It is a reflection of HIS love for us; we are His bride. Marriage should reflect that to others, and ultimately point others towards God’s love.
“This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:32-33
The last verse says it all! He is speaking of Christ and the church, and how He is the bridegroom. When you keep that focus and understand this concept while dating, you will then see your significant other as Christ sees them. It creates a bigger picture and helps you to remain pure while dating because you see them through the lens of God and WANT to protect THEM.
Kyle is an incredibly honorable and pure man, as I am an honorable and pure woman (neither of us have ever been physically intimate outside of marriage). It is my highest desire to keep him pure until marriage. I would never want to defraud him or tempt him purposely in this way.
That gets a little dicey, because of course women want to be seen as attractive to our mates. But you have to know the boundaries and talk about them, so that you’re not doing anything that might cause him to sin.
This then leads us to some practical boundaries you can have in place to remain pure while dating…
Set Strong Boundaries
Boundaries are essential, and they help get both of you on the same page (if you want to decide your boundaries, check out this post, What Does the Bible Say About Physical Intimacy Before Marriage here). When you both know what the limits are, it can help alleviate frustrations, temptations, and keep you both accountable with each other and most importantly, unto Christ.
Here are some examples of boundaries you can set in place to enjoy the most of your dating relationship, prepare for marriage, and most importantly, keep each other pure and holy…
- Save kissing for marriage – this is something I really want to do and it’s not for everyone, but it CAN be if you chose it to be. My thinking is that kissing is the gateway to other stuff and if you don’t kiss, you are MUCH less likely to do other things.
- No hanging out alone – instead hang out in groups at church, home, bowling, or other activities
- Don’t watch movies that lead to temptation – look up any movie on IMDB with the parent’s guide to see if it’s appropriate to watch or not
- Being mindful of what you read or listen to
- Other boundaries that you BOTH agree on and feel comfortable with
Like I mentioned, when you iron these things out early on and pray about them (asking for God to help you both remain pure), you both will be able to help each other remain pure and grow in Christ together, without compromising or leading one another into temptation.
Important Questions To Ask Before You Get Married:
It’s super important to ask the “tough” (and not so tough) stuff before you get married. You want to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to how you make choices together such as finances, communicating, the roles you each take on, parenting, etc. It will save you a lot of headaches and unnecessary arguments to hash all of this out BEFORE marriage.
If you don’t agree, that doesn’t just automatically mean that the relationship is doomed or that you shouldn’t marry the person, but marriage IS a give and take kind of relationship, full of compromises and learning to become one.
Here are some important questions to ask each other before marriage:
- Do you want kids? What are your views on adoption?
- Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 30 years?
- Who will take care of budgeting/finances? Shared bank accounts or separate?
- Are you a spender or a saver?
- What are your views on biblical roles in the household?
- How do you typically handle conflict?
- Do you have debt? How will we handle it?
- What style of discipline will you have as a parent?
- How will we set boundaries when it comes to each other’s families? Holidays? Etc.?
These are just some examples, but the main point is to talk about these important things while dating. You don’t have to have all of the EXACT answers ironed out, but to get a general idea on how you will tackle these topics will benefit you both as you learn to progress in your relationship.
I hope this helps you not only have a Christ-centered mindset when it comes to dating, but also give you the tools you both need to honor Christ with one another IN your dating relationship.
It IS possible to remain pure when dating, and something God calls us to do, so we can ultimately point others back to Him. <3