Recently a friend of mine confided in me that every man she’s ever been with has cheated on her. She’s feeling like there are no good men out there. Why even bother to be a woman of God if what you get when you are is just a bunch of heartache, cheating, and abuse?
I’ve been there. After my now-ex-husband left and had his affairs, I felt the exact same way. I joined the “men haters” club, for sure. I had a season pass. 😝
I remember telling God that I never wanted to get married again, and I meant it. I told Him how I could serve Him more if I was unmarried, and so I dedicated my life to being single. For Him. Because men are terrible, horrible, and I hated all of them.
Have you been there?
Are you there now?
Maybe you’re struggling with why you should even want to have a husband in the future. There’s so much pain and heartache.
If you’re feeling like that, let’s find some comfort together.
Every Man I’ve Been With Has Cheated
It wasn’t very long after I dedicated my life to single-dom forever that God began working in my heart. He opened my heart toward love and showed me what love really was.
If it wasn’t for Him opening my heart, I would have stayed there. Single and alone, bitter toward men. It was a work of God.
I had gone out with some friends to a public event, and their behavior really got to me. They were acting like hound dogs. I had seen this behavior from men before but never women. These were godly women who were acting so unbecoming.
I started realizing that it wasn’t just men who were bad, but women, too. Women cheat, too.
In fact, another friend of mine has been cheated on in all his relationships, too.
And there we see the other side of the coin. It’s not just men who cheat. It’s not just the guys who go out and do bad stuff; women do, too.
We can’t hold a season pass to the men haters club for them cheating because it’s really only one side of the story.
So if you’re feeling like that, wanting to swear off men, I encourage you to see it from both angles and understand it’s not just men.
All of society is so engulfed and obsessed with sex. The need to feel and be loved is so intense that people, both women AND men, are willing to do just about ANYTHING to have it.
The problem is that they don’t know…
A) What they’re looking for because they have no clue what love REALLY is.
B) They don’t know WHERE to find love because all of society is full of hatred and contention and malice.
This is something that I’m having to teach my daughter about. As she’s growing up and being interested in boys, trying to determine who is a good one to be with and who is not, it’s tough. “How do you KNOW?” she says.
How do you know he’s not going to cheat? How do you know he’s in it for the long haul? How do you know he’ll always want YOU and just you?
The cold hard truth is that you can’t.
But there ARE some things that we, as women, can do!
First, we must recognize that the SOURCE of love is Christ.
The source of love is God
What is love anyway? What does it look like in a relationship?
Is it a guy holding the door open for you?
Is it a guy always being there for you?
What is it exactly and what DOES it look like?
As a banker for 10 years, I got to know money REAL well. Part of my job some of those years was being a teller. We were the first line of defense against fraud and counterfeit bills.
Here’s what I was trained.
Pens don’t work. You can use a counterfeit pen, and it may or may not work. Bankers who use pens are newer; maybe they don’t know or haven’t been doing it long. OR they are trying to show you they are checking it but not really. Think: a gas station attendant. They are not really trained like bankers to know money like we are. So they use what they know because that’s what they are taught, and that’s totally fine.
In banking, we don’t have seminars or go off to classes and learn all about fraudulent bills.
In fact, in 10 years of banking, I only received one page of fraudulent bills in that entire time as a cheat sheet of some of the things to look for.
No. We never studied the counterfeits.
We studied the REAL DEAL.
Do you know that cash has a certain feel in your hand? A particular texture.
Did you know that when you hold it up to the light, there’s a strip inside, a clear strip that indicates it’s real?
As a teller, I knew the texture of cash. I knew the clear strip and all the other components that go into knowing that the bill is real.
You can literally bring me any kind of bill, and I can easily, within seconds, tell you if it’s real or not.
But having this skill didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t happen by spending all my time on the counterfeits.
I studied the real deal.
When was the last time you opened your Bible?
When was the last time you studied God’s attributes?
When was the last time you dived super deep into a study on love in your Bible?
Read marriage resources?
Spent a lot of time with a truly godly older woman?
How often are you studying….LOVE?
If you’re not spending any time on discovering and learning the source of love and what love truly IS, then you’re not going to know it when you see it.
Love will come past you; you won’t recognize it; you’ll miss it.
You’ll go by felt needs and emotions.
You’ll miss the guy who’s genuinely interested in you who cares about you; you overlook him because you’re too interested in Fabio down the street who seems like a great guy but, underneath it all, treats girls like garbage.
You have GOT to know what love is and the only way to know what love is is to study WHO love is and what it’s all about…GOD.
God is love.
It’s not God is loving. God HAS love. It’s…
His very essence, His very nature, His being is love.
Are you studying Him?
After you learn what love is, from God, you’ll be able to more quickly know who’s a jerk and who’s not.
Does that mean you’ll never be cheated on again? No. It doesn’t. But it gives YOU an upper hand that most others don’t have.
Know what to look for
The Bible makes it all super clear what a guy should look for in a woman to have love. It’s found in Proverbs 31.
It starts by being blatantly honest in verse 10, “An excellent wife who can find?”
There goes our theology about all men are dogs and women are innocent from before, huh?
Women are dogs, too.
WHO can FIND an excellent wife??? It’s hard to find an excellent wife. It’s not easy. The mother in this passage is not saying, hey son, it’s super easy to find a great wife, go out and pick whomever you want, no! She saying, “Son, it’s tough. You’re going to have a tough time finding one. Here’s what to look for…”
Her husband will trust her (think: does she blow all the money he makes and hide shopping bags from him so he won’t know she’s blowing it?)
She does him good not harm (think: she’s serving him breakfast in bed when he’s sick, she’s good to him, not harming him. Not sneering or talking bad about him to all her friends).
She works with WILLING hands (think: he doesn’t have to FORCE her to work hard. She’s out there getting it done. Not using excuses like, oh I have kids I can barely handle, I can’t do more than that. That’s bunk. Unless we have a newborn baby, it’s bunk, and God calls us to MORE! It doesn’t mean she has a full-time job, but it means she’s diligent with her time so as to accomplish as much as she can in as little time and is willingly doing so not out of compulsion or drudgery).
She brings her food from afar (she’s a saver. She’s working hard to save money bringing the food from afar. This can look like a woman making her own bread or cooking from scratch instead of going out. It can look like going to a couple stores to get better pricing. It can look like her shopping around, comparing prices, things like that).
She provides food for her household and portions to her maidens (think: she’s a boss! She MANAGES the house, her children, AND other people and she does it well. She’s generous to those who work for her, who help her. Why? She provides portions for them. It’s not scrapping around. It’s all systematized).
She considers a field and buys it (think: she’s making investments. She’s balancing the choices, weighing her options, she’s adding to her portfolio and income. Maybe this is a savings account. Maybe this is running a blog or shop and making money that way. Buying “land” on Shopify, planting a vineyard = creating printables and making a business. It all applies here).
She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong (think: she’s strong. She works hard to BE strong. She’s flexing those muscles so to speak. She’s doing all these things continuously, as a pattern of her life. It didn’t happen overnight but she is doing all these things she’s supposed to be doing continuously).
Her lamp does not go out at night (think: she’s working hard, waking up early and staying up late before her husband and children arise so that she can get done what she needs to. She’s not lazy by any means.)
She opens her hand to the poor (think: she realizes that life isn’t just all about her and her family. That God is good to her, and she should be giving back to those less fortunate around her, and if you think that you’re too poor to give, you can ALWAYS find someone in worse conditions than you are to help them! Maybe that’s financially, or maybe it’s with your time. That single mom down the street, really could use a day to herself after her husband left her. Why not watch her kids for her for a day and help out?!)
Her husband is known in the gates (think: she is doing all SHE is supposed to do so that HE does not have a huge burden on HIS shoulders to manage what is HER job to manage. Therefore, he is able to be the man he is supposed to be and BE well known in the gates. He is a better man because she is doing HER job.)
She makes linen garments and sells them (think: she’s an entrepreneur! Not only is she providing for her own household, but selling excess and making money to boot. This is a real amazing woman here!)
She opens her mouth in wisdom (think: how does a woman find wisdom? They study, they ask God for wisdom, they do a lot of trial and error, they willingly walk where God wants them to walk, constantly striving to know God more. Her time with God is not faltering because of all the other stuff she’s doing above!!!!)
Are we that kind of woman?
Because if we want to attract a genuinely good guy, we need to BE that kind of woman, right?! If we’re married, we will FOR SURE want to be that kind of woman. That is what men who are godly are taught to look for by God’s own standard.
That is God’s standard for a woman. Are you her?
If not, work one by one on each of those things until you are!!! ❤️
What about a man?
What does the Bible say to look for in a man?
This is easy. Just look at Jesus’ life. He was the ultimate standard for the husband. A godly man with a fire to do God’s will.
It’s not about how “cute” a guy is or how much he has in his bank account. It’s all about how much does his life line up to GOD’S!
No one is perfect. And it’s an impossible standard, but, for the truly godly man, he will be taking daily steps toward becoming this man!!!! Is the guy you’re interested in doing that? If he’s not, honestly, leave him alone.
The next thing we need to understand is that marriage is NOT promised.
Marriage isn’t promised
God does not tell us in Scripture that every woman or every man will HAVE someone. Not every man and every woman GETS a marriage partner.
This is important not to miss because if you DO have a husband, consider yourself BLESSED.
Too often I see women constantly complaining about their husbands and I get it – he’s a pig. Most are. He leaves dirty socks all over, the bathtub is a mess, he snores louder than a chainsaw, the toilet is…I’m not even going there. We get it. We all get it.
He’s a blessing.
Repeat after me. My husband is a blessing.
Say it 10 times every day and mean it.
He’s a blessing. A gift.
Even if ALL he does is work and earn the income and does nothing around the house to help you, it’s enough.
You try running BOTH jobs on your own!!! I do. For 10 years, I’ve been single. I do the man’s job, the repairs around the house, fixing stuff, I make all the money AND I raise the kids, homeschool my children, cook dinners, care for the house, help my friends, and serve the world.
He’s a blessing.
If you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, being a godly wife, you are likewise a blessing to him. YOU are a blessing!
Marriage…is a blessing!
It’s not promised. It’s not expected. It’s not demanding God to give you this or that. It’s a gift, a blessing. You’re blessed if you have it.
You can lead him toward godliness
So you have a husband and you’re saying to me, “Yeah, but he’s a jerk. He abuses me. I can’t stand to live with him.”
I get it. I’ve been there.
The first thing we have to understand is that we cannot change a man. We cannot change him or make him be better.
In a video game my kids and I are playing we throw a medicine ball at people and they heal. My daughter goes around throwing the ball at them and says, “Get better”. 😂
Wouldn’t it be cool if we had that power in real life. We just throw a medicine at someone and they “get better”.
We can’t. We can’t change a heart. But GOD…CAN!!!
Your first power is prayer.
If you’re living your life how you ought as a believer in Christ, God is going to listen to you and He cares. He sees your pain, He hears your cries, He cares. God CAN change his heart. So start by praying.
Secondly, edify him. Encourage him, not in a demeaning or self-righteous way but in a loving and holy way. YOU just be the best version of YOU and, believe me, your husband will notice!
It’s so convicting, isn’t it? Living with a light. Be that light for him.
Be a godly woman. Let the testimony of YOUR life, on fire for Christ, be that light to him. The more godly you are, the more he will notice. And he may come around. He may not. But you know that YOU are doing the best YOU can to lead him toward being a better man. All without nagging or saying a word about it.
Because, truly, nagging doesn’t work friends.
Let your life be your words. Let your actions, your holy conduct, be your testimony. Let God’s light shine in you so much that it attracts him to you. That it makes him want to be a better man. When he becomes a better man, you’re happier and you both “win”!! ❤️❤️❤️