Do you feel lonely and isolated?
Like everything is out of your reach.
You can’t seem to make friends because no one has the time for you. You feel like no one cares about your feelings or your thoughts and opinions. No one’s sincerely listening.
Not your family, not your children, there’s no one there to hear your pain.
You feel alone.
Do you long for deeply connected relationships where you can freely talk about matters and get valuable Christian feedback and insight (without judgment or false teaching types of input or advice)?
If you’re going through a lonely season right now, that’s exactly what we’re going to discuss today! You are in the right place. 💖
I feel like I’m a lone ranger in my walk with Christ
When the day arrives, when we’re finally frustrated enough by the lack of quality, fulfilling friendships we have with other Christian women (ones that believe similarly to our own set of beliefs), it’s cause for celebration.
Even though at that moment, we may feel like lone rangers in our walk with Christ, it demonstrates that we’ve become discerning enough to recognize this is a missing piece (and we actually do need to more Christian women in our lives). By adding friends to our lives and widening our circle of influence, not only will we be impacted for the better, but we also will have the opportunity to help and support others.
So, where do we begin? The first step we want to take is to develop into the Christian women we wish we had as friends.
We want to add value to the world. We want to be the kind of friend others can glean from. It’s in that relationship of growing and learning (BOTH give and take) that genuine friendships are cultivated.
Can you point to at least one person in your life (who is a Christian) that you love being around? That when you’re with them, you feel excited about life and motivated to get out there and serve or help others?
If so, jot down the characteristics they possess that make you feel this way when you’re with them. If you don’t have this specific type of individual in your life, think back to past mentors or influential teachers who have inspired you or encouraged you to take action. Once you’ve realized a role model, jot down the traits you admire in them.
To widen your circle even more, think about the Proverbs 31 woman. Think about Jesus. How would those people treat you? What characteristics would they have that you’d like to possess?
Once you have a list together, now it’s time to review it, so that you can begin to apply them to your own life.
For example, if a person had a unique way they listened to you that made you feel you were the only one that mattered, maybe they looked you in the eyes and really HEARD what YOU had to say, no matter HOW BUSY it was around you two when you talked, write that down in your own words on your paper.
Or, if they always sent you an encouraging text to you at seemingly the perfect time, make a note of it. There isn’t anything too small to write down (every little thing can count regarding how it’s made a difference in your life). This list is only for your eyes, so, however you want to describe all of it, go for it. We want to make sure this is understandable because we’ll reference it throughout the remainder of this post. And because all of this will lead us to achieve the end goal. To become the type of Christian woman you wish you had more of as friends, so you can ultimately have more friends and cultivate relationships with more Christian women like this.
Another reason you want to take a serious approach when creating this list is that you will gain valuable insight along the way (insight into learning precisely how to become this type of person). As you identify each item, by default, you are becoming clear on which concrete action steps will be best for YOU to take.
And the real (mountain-moving) growth and development will only occur when you take action. And many people don’t take action because they don’t know what to do – or they have resistance to something. It’s an endless cycle. Just thinking through the things, personality traits, characteristics, etc., won’t move the needle. Nothing will significantly change until you begin taking action. So action is vital to expanding our circle.
Some women have told me that goals scare them and actually prevent them from taking action because they think they have to know everything to make sure they’ll do it perfectly first. Okay, no worries. I can see that setting a goal may not work for every single person out there. So if you don’t want to start by setting a goal, then give yourself permission and allow yourself to take imperfect action at the very moment when you become inspired or motivated (use those good feelings as a springboard to take action).
Like for example, say someone you sincerely appreciate sends you a text; why not send that same type of message/email/text (or handwritten note) to someone else who you could encourage and impact for the better? Just doing it at the moment when the inspiration strikes will help you gain more confidence – action seems to always breed confidence, whereas inaction breeds the opposite – it opens the door for paralysis and fear.
And if you’d like to take this one step further and hold yourself accountable, you can use the printable below. There’s a to do section of things ideas you can do for others and then a goals section for you to write down and remember the things you’re currently working on.
Download the Cultivate Friendships printable here.
Place all the areas and things you want to work on and use the back side if needed! Fill in the heart bubbles as you complete them and use it as a checklist if you’d like.
The key is always to keep your end goals in mind, which is to cultivate the kinds of things you love about other people in your own life so you can begin connecting with other godly women who love being around you. This will help you connect to others, create meaningful relationships, help you not feel so alone, AND serve other people and grow in your own spiritual walk…all at the same time!!! 🤩
Here’s a practical example of something you can start with right away. Ask someone you admire if she’d like to meet for twenty or thirty minutes to get better acquainted and have a “virtual cup of coffee” with you. If you do this with just two people, that scenario right there gives you two times to connect with others in a relatively short period of time. And once you get the ball rolling and start getting to know more people, you’re essentially networking (and creating momentum).
And hey – so what if you begin getting to know someone and find out that person isn’t the type of friend you were hoping to meet. Or what if they don’t have time or appear interested? No problem…move on and ask someone else! Ask God to open the doors as you do this and see where it takes you!
Let’s try another example because maybe the thought of meeting someone you only know online face to face scares you a little. What are some other ways you’ve felt really special because someone took a minute to acknowledge you or let you know they were thinking about you? Did someone mention or tag you in a comment because they used your advice to help someone else? And if so, then make a note of it and do that for someone else down the line. Even though you may not realize it, people read through comments. And many times, they’ll click on your profile to see who you are and perhaps what you have in common. This in and of itself could be a way to make Christian friends and widening your circle.
What about Christian groups you’re in – are there women there who always contribute really thought-provoking insights? If you’d like to further connect with this person, you could start by liking their comment and replying with your own comment as to how it helped you. And then there’s the option of adding them as a friend (or following them) if that’s something you’d like to do. Suppose that maybe it’s not so much as becoming directly connected to them but more so about imitating what you love most about their style and input. You can consider these women as mentors from afar because you’re seeing how they do the thing that stops and pinpointing what makes you want to be more like them in your own life so that you can model that and apply it to your situation.
Can you see how it won’t take too long before you start to interact, in loving ways, with those around you with whom you have more things in common? I understand that some of this can freak people out because maybe you are more introverted. That’s why I don’t want anyone to misunderstand what I’m trying to communicate. None of this is about using these examples as prescribed tactics or strategies. It’s about understanding how you love being treated and using that as wisdom to help you step outside your comfort zone in a baby-step fashion and to take action (and hold yourself accountable if you want).
And as a result of really honing in on the type of Christian women you value in your life, I dare to say you will be able to spot them more readily, reach out to them more quickly, and start developing friendships. Initiating new friendships as adults isn’t as easy as when we were kids; I totally understand that. And yet we cannot allow this to stop us because that’s precisely the thing that Satan can use to keep us isolated.
Somehow as adults, we have all these preconceived notions about people (like they won’t like us once they get to know us), but honestly, so much of that is in our heads. Focus rather on taking imperfect action and let God control the outcome. 🥰
If you’re more of an outgoing people, Kyle taught me something YEARS ago. I came to him with this problem of my being so SHY at church. I’m a total introvert, just so ya know! I find it scary, heart-poundingly HARD to talk to people in person (unless I know them well). So he told me to just take it slow.
Every week, go up to ONE new person and set aside 15 minutes to talk to them. This isn’t a prescribed set number of minutes, but more that you are committed to actually listening. Actually building friendships. Actually meeting people and talking with people.
This can greatly help in meeting new friends and blossoming friendships! Because then the next week, you can go up to them again and say hi and chat for another few minutes, constantly building that friendship up!
What a brilliant idea, right! 💖
We need to be encouraged that God knows the desires of our hearts, and He already knows that we want to have more godly friendships and not feel so alone all the time. So it’s up to us to put in the work and take steps to lead us there. To, in a sense, put us in a position where we are comfortable networking and connecting with the right type of person. And if this seems impossible to you, relax – you’re not going to be relatable to every other Christian woman out there. However, the good news is that it’s not impossible when your expectations are correct, and you rely on God to work out the outcome.
The beautiful thing about being sisters in the body of Christ is that no matter our background or upbringing, we all serve Christ as our life mission. And just as we all have different gifts and talents, we all have other personality traits and unique characteristics that will meld better with certain people over others. And people change too, over time. Maybe someone you don’t connect with now, you can still connect with later. 😊
So while it’s good to know a lot of Christian women and establish meaningful relationships, it’s even better to narrow that group down to the kind of ladies you most enjoy having as close friends and confidants. The friendships with those women will, in all probability, provide tons of mutual joy and fulfillment (which is the secret to beautiful, long-lasting relationships).