You feel stuck. Unhappy. Unloved.
You’re trying your best but you’re smart enough to know your marriage just isn’t working.
He doesn’t take that same time for you or care for you in the way he did when you were dating.
You’ve gotten into a rut and now the marriage is more like roommates than marriage partners.
Maybe you even do very little together and have grown apart and you recognize it and you’re just wanting help. What do you do? Where do you go from here? How do you put your marriage back together? Is it even worth putting back together? You’re in a rotten marriage, what do you do?
So You’re In a Rotten Marriage…What Do You Do?
If you’re feeling like this, you need to know one thing…you’re not alone!
EVERY marriage goes through ebb and flow times. EVERY marriage struggles at one point or another. EVERY marriage is NOT perfect. EVERY marriage requires work!
The problem becomes when your husband is not willing to work on the marriage. That’s the real problem, which leads us to point #1.
Have you confronted your husband?
The first step is talking to him about it.
You need to let him know where you stand. Tell him how you’re feeling. Don’t go into it thinking you won’t talk to him because he won’t understand or he won’t listen to you. Tell him you need to have a serious conversation about something you’re feeling and be honest and forthright.
Most men like women to cut to the chase. Not hint around or play games or shy away from the topic. They like direct communication. Tell them exactly what’s bothering you, in a kind and gentle (non-attacking) way. Be blunt.
Find out if he’s willing to grow WITH you. Is he willing to work on the marriage also? Ask him to work with you on these things and ask him if there’s anything YOU can do to be a better wife also.
Listen to his constructive criticism with joy in your heart, as wanting to please your husband and with a sense of realization that EVERYONE needs to work on SOMETHING at all times. No one is perfect. No one has it all figured out. We’re all human, we’re all depraved, and we’re all in desperate need of a Savior (DAILY!!!! I might add).
Focus on YOURSELF!
If, right off the bat, you’re thinking to yourself, “YEAH, I will focus on myself. My own needs, my own desires, wants, and cravings”, then you expose in your heart selfishness.
Let’s call that a little “mini test” for your soul.
In a marriage, there can BE no selfish people. If even ONE person is selfish, the marriage CAN’T work. Why? Because you have people who are fighting for their own rights, fighting TO be right, fighting to get their own felt needs met and they dismiss and ignore the needs of the other. Have two people in a relationship like that and it’s really tough to be married.
Think about it like this…
When you were first dating, didn’t you ENJOY him spending oodles and oodles of time on you? Planning dates, figuring out fun things to do, listening to you, making you happy, enjoying your company, being happy to see you, spending a lot of time on you?
That’s UNselfishness, right?
We can understand that.
And you liked it.
Don’t you think HE likes the same thing?
Maybe he doesn’t say it, maybe he will never say it but a man wants to be treasured too! He wants his thoughts, his feelings understood and respected.
Want to make a man feel respected instantly?
Here’s a good thing to practice…
Ask him what he thinks about something, anything. Ask him what he thinks you should do and give him two options. When something comes up, ask his opinion. Then…DO IT.
This only works if you’re actually willing to do what he says.
So, when you’re first starting this, be sure to ask him something that you don’t care what you do, either way.
Then, as you grow in it and practice it more and learn to trust his advice (and he is giving good advice), you can start asking him what he thinks about bigger topics and do what he suggests.
This will make him feel HEARD, listened to, and respected. It will go a LONG way in your relationship! He feels valued. Loved.
This speaks volumes to a man and is a great thing to do.
Cut out all selfishness from your relationship. Think about HIM, HIS needs, how you can be a better wife.
Focus on yourself by focusing on what YOU need to change in the relationship…in life.
If your focus is constantly on what HE’S doing wrong, you miss it big time with God!!!
God wants us to focus on our own shortcomings and run the race of endurance (Hebrews 12:1). We must throw off all hindrances to run and be like Jesus Christ.
That means taking the focus off of our spouse and putting it on ourselves. What must *I* do to be better? What can *I* do today to serve the Lord? How can *I* grow in my walk with the Lord.
Because the truth is that if you are walking in the Spirit and growing quickly in the Lord, you are pleasant to be around. You are living in peace and have peacefulness written on your forehead.
You are obeying the Lord and becoming what He wants you to be.
Everyone grows at a different speed, just like everyone runs at different speeds. Some have longer legs than others (taller), some like me who are short (5’3). It doesn’t matter how FAST you’re running, the Bible only says to RUN.
Focus on yourself, your own sins, your own shortcomings, how to be more like Christ. The more you focus on your own sins, the less his will bother you!!!!
After having been single for so long, I can truly see how HARD men REALLY have it (I’m not dismissing how hard women have it, but we need to understand, they have an equally hard job!)
Maybe you don’t see that. Many wives don’t and that’s okay, but you need to get to a point of seeing it. Because it’s real.
EVEN IF the ONLY thing your husband does is work, that’s more than enough.
He’s pulling all the weight off of you onto himself (which is biblical for him to provide financially) in order to pay the bills.
If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you need to really understand how precious of a gift that is and not take advantage of it or take it for granted over time.
It’s a massive thing!!!
For me, I make the money, I provide for my home and for my children all on my own AND I do all the wife jobs like cook, clean, raise the kids, take care of the home stuff (repairs, lawn mowing, etc.). I do it ALL and I’m also investing in others, stretching out my hand to others to help as the Proverbs 31 wife did.
So if you are upset because all he does is work, I tell you the truth, be thankful because it could be worse! And for many, it is.
Show him grace for all he DOES do right.
For taking care of the home repairs, for working a job he may not love just to provide for his family.
Take inventory of the things he does RIGHT, the things you love about him and show him grace for the things he is not so great on.
Meanwhile, show yourself grace too.
You can’t change him
Again, no one is perfect. No one expects either of you to be. It’s about trying your best. That’s all it’s about. If you have two people who are both trying their absolute best, then you have an amazing marriage. So you do YOUR part in trying your best.
Because you can’t control him of whether he is trying HIS best or not.
Talk to him, tell him how you feel, but at the end of the day, it’s his choice what he wants to do or not.
👉 If he doesn’t want to work on the marriage, you can’t force him.
👉 If he doesn’t SEE the marriage is struggling, pray God show him.
👉 If he just doesn’t care anymore and he’s just going through the motions, pray about it.
God is ultimately your biggest “weapon”. Use it. Go to God in prayer. Pray that God change your husband. Ask God to open His eyes.
Live in a way that is pleasing to the Lord and be super close to God in order that your prayers are heard!
God answers every single one of our prayers. It may be He says no, wait, maybe later, or yes, but He answers all of them. Don’t believe me? Keep a prayer journal and write down all your prayers and cross off the ones that are answered. Pretty quickly you’ll see God hears you!
He loves you. He loves His children and He takes special interest in our problems.
What is important to us, is important to Him.
So pray about everything. Pray your guts out. The best way to actually change your husband is to pray for him. Because YOU (and I) cannot change anyone else, only God can.
For example, we can plant seeds of God into the little hearts and minds of our children, but without God watering those seeds, without Him convicting the child, no one would ever come to faith.
It is a work of the Lord and we are His instruments. How are you being an instrument to your husband?
You can’t be all of what He needs, but you can point Him daily TO the One who CAN! God!
And if you are living your life in a way that is pleasing to the Lord, seeking His kingdom first, then you are pointing all those around you to God, not just your husband, but your family and the world at large. Everyone you meet, you’re pointing to the Lord and that’s where you want to be.
First, because a Christian wants to please their master. John 14:15. We love God and we want to make Him happy. We want to get to know Him so that we KNOW His commands (how to please Him). We want that.
Secondly, because you are responsible to God for your OWN life.
That’s super freeing too because you’re NOT responsible for your husband’s walk with the Lord. He IS responsible for yours, be sure of that, according to the Bible, but you are not responsible for his.
You are judged (good or bad) before the Living God, for your OWN actions, NOT your husband’s.
You don’t have to worry if he’s not doing HIS part before the Lord. That is between him and the Lord. It’s not your part. You are not responsible for his sin or his actions. Where he comes up short, you are not responsible for that. Only your OWN behavior.
Are you doing YOUR best?
If you are…then you’re good! 🎉
Maybe he will come to grow in the Lord and be a better husband also, maybe he won’t, but as long as YOU are doing YOUR best, that’s all God expects from you!
He does not expect perfection, only that you’re trying your absolute best.
So I ask you today, all who are reading this…are YOU doing YOUR absolute best?
Are you running the race of endurance? Are you striving hard to make your marriage better, your walk with Christ better, your own self better?
If you are doing that, you’re good! 🥰
If you’re not, pray about it and see where you fall short and ask God to help you overcome those areas. Ask Him to show you where you’re not running as fast as you could, in what areas (we all have them) and then work on those areas.
On my computer, up at the top, I have little post-it notes of paper of the things I’m working on right now. So that it’s a reminder of what to focus on and I see it multiple times throughout the day.
It’s always in my face, always a remembrance to me.
There’s been points where my computer screen, at the top of it is completely full and there’s no more room for paper! 😂 But little by little, I work on one thing at a time, maybe a couple at a time, and take them off when I feel like I have a good handle on them.
Point is…there’s ALWAYS paper slips up there.
There’s always SOMETHING I’m working on.
To be a good wife for the future, to be a good mother, to be a good Christian, to be a good witness to the world.
We all have things to work on. No one is exempt from this. It’s a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment walk with the Lord.
God has put your husband in your life in order that you walk WITH him on this road with the Lord. So walk it. Understand that you both will stumble and fall at different points, but you’re called to help each other up when you do. If someone doesn’t want help, pray for them. But keep walking with your husband, trying to make your marriage better.
YOU do YOUR part. ❤️